Be kind

Navigating body shaming in Filipino culture

Words by Bea Gooding. Images by Java Katzur.

I am proud to be a Filipino woman. It’s perhaps the quality I admire most about myself - to be a part of a culture that emulates so much generosity and kindness, and our strong sense of family and community. I was lucky with my upbringing, a good education, a loving family, caring friends and a roof over my head. Not everyone can say the same thing and I’ll always be grateful for the life I have lived because of all of these positive factors. Obviously, as with anything, real life is not always a smooth journey.

I was speaking with my family the other day about what it’s like for us Filipinos who live outside of our home country, and the mental preparation we went through before we embarked on a trip back to the Philippines. The feeling of pure excitement we felt when we knew we were going to see our families again and visit all of our favourite places. And of course, to eat all of the amazing food that probably isn’t the best for us. It’s what makes us happy, and hungry for that slice of nostalgia because not all of us have the opportunity to go back as regularly as we want to. But sometimes there’s an unwanted thought that goes through our heads in the lead up to facing our friends and family again – the worry about what they’ll think about how we look after however long it’s been. The fear of judgement, no matter how many times we tell ourselves to ignore it and to just love ourselves. It’s an insecurity many of us have gone through at some point in our lives, whether it’s just a passing thought, or full on debilitating anxiety. 

It’s regarded as the norm. Speak to any Filipino person about this issue, and whether it’s happened to them directly or not, they are guaranteed to know what you’re on about.

I was just a kid when I returned to the Philippines for Christmas. For any kid, travelling overseas is exciting in itself. It filled up my whole world leading up to the day we left. I was most excited about seeing my grandparents, and to play outside in the hot, Philippine weather with what seemed like a million of my cousins. When you’re a kid, you don’t care what you look like or what others think of you, and it certainly wasn’t something that crossed my mind at that age. A couple of years ago, my mum had told me about the times I travelled back to the Philippines when I was younger, and the side comments my parents received or overheard from relatives about the way I looked. They were told my skin was too dark, and that I was fat – on multiple occasions. I was just a kid! My mum said that my dad, who is a Kiwi, wanted to basically square up with anyone who body shamed me, but she had to stop him because it wasn’t their intention to be offensive. If you stand up to them it’s regarded as “rude” because you’re disrespecting elder members of the family.

This is the part of my culture I’m the most ashamed about. And I’m always at a loss when people ask me why this is a norm. It’s almost as if it’s a greeting, instead of expecting a “how are you?,” you’re expecting a “wow, you’ve gotten fat!” from a family member or even a friend. And it’s ironic because they call you fat, but get offended when you don’t devour several helpings of their food. 

We shouldn’t have to worry about what others think of our appearance, we should be excited to go home. Instead of ignoring it and brushing it off, we need to confront it and finally acknowledge that it exists, and that it is hurtful. Deep down, no matter how confident we feel, and no matter how many times we’re told to ignore the snide comments about our weight, it still hurts. I was a kid, and I didn’t care. Flash forward to when I was a teenager, I found myself in the middle of an outdoor mall in the Philippines ugly crying onto my mum’s shoulder because I was so self-conscious about my weight after a day of trying clothes on. 

I know when they say those things, they’re not intentionally trying to hurt me. I don’t blame them for being the way they are, and I still love them just the same. This issue isn’t limited to a specific gender, it happens to anyone and sometimes from the people you love the most. And it’s happened for generations, behaviour that has been unintentionally passed down to children, and their children’s children. But behind the passive aggressive clap-backs or the attempts to stay silent while you’re blasted with comments about everyone else’s appearances, we felt like we could never stand up to them. That would suddenly be incredibly disrespectful. I can’t even begin to imagine how these comments can affect a person’s mental health in the long run. 

The lesson we need to learn from this is that we need to empower each other instead of bringing others down, no matter the intention, or culture or norm. Where’s the harm in complimenting someone? Or loving them no matter how they look? Maybe in the generations to come they might have a fighting chance to live in a kinder world. But we can’t get there without acknowledging the problem in the first place, and talking about the need to love ourselves more. There are so many things we should be devoting our time to rather than getting caught up in the negativity. The more we talk about it, the more we are aware of ourselves and the words we say. It’s the least we can do for the generations to come.